These are a few phrases and sayings that really get under my skin. Time to share…

1. “Back in the day…”
This one is usually offered by someone no older than 21, referring to something that happened no more than about six years ago. So if you are one of these young people, and you say this, please consider yourself hereby immediately informed of the fact that for you, at this point in your life, there simply is no “back in the day”.

2. “He/She is in a better place”
Normally you hear this when one of your loved-ones has died. Oh — really? And where exactly is this “better place”? Because if it isn’t that hole in the ground and fancy box we just paid for, we got ripped off.

3. “Freedom isn’t Free”
Oh, really? Did you write that yourself? Your word-play is so clever! It really honors all the dead soldiers that you can spout out this vomitus on your Facebook page on the 4th of July or Memorial Day. Actually, to the extent we are free, my freedom was totally free (if you overlook the tax dollars I’ve paid to keep the American Empire going).

4. “Guns don’t kill people, PEOPLE kill people”
Usually heard after some nutjob with enough guns and ammo to arm a small nation goes crazy and kills a bunch of people with, errrrrr, guns? Yeah – guns. Another example of bumper sticker wisdom being substituted for actual thought.

5. “Everything happens for a reason”
This one usually rears its ugly head after something bad happens, to try and make you feel better. “I’m sorry your lost your job, but you know, everything happens for a reason.” Sure, of course. In that case, the job was lost so some asshole’s stock value can go up by 1 cent per share for a few hours. A good response might go something like this: “Really? How about female genital mutilation? What is the reason for that? Or how about anal cancer? What is the silver-lining in that dark cloud?”

6. “God’s in control”
See #5. This one also comes in the form of “God has a plan for everyone’s life”. Hopefully His plan doesn’t include brain cancer, flesh-eating bacteria, or having a gang of chimps rip your feet, face, and balls off.

7. “Stay where you are! Stay in the building!”
The Number One/Numero Uno lesson of September 11, 2001 is this: when they tell you to stay in the building, you need to get the fuck out of the building.

That’s all for now. I’m sure I’ll think of a few more as soon as I hit the Publish button.