It’s been a while since I’ve posted a witty and hilarious (and possibly hate-filled) rant here on my blog. Please be advised that I’m aware of this, and actively reviewing worthy topics. Some possibilities include…

Editor’s note: My friend Jeremy read this, and asked why I “want my enemies to be free from suffering”? So please, anytime you see me wishing someone dead in this post, simply replace with “I hope [insert correct pronoun here] is suffering.”

1. The girl in second grade who criticized me for liking Halloween more than “the birthday of Jesus”. I hope she’s dead.
2. The junior high coach who wouldn’t put me in the track program in the 8th grade even though I was running every day after school as was about to hit my growth spurt and really become a good athlete. Screw him. I happen to know he’s still alive, sadly.
3. That guy who made me mad that time about that thing…yeah…you know who I’m talking about. Hope he’s dead too.
4. People who feel the need to convince a free adult American that his/her religious ideology is correct and their target’s in wrong. The hubris that allows one person to think they have the answers to life’s ultimate questions must be stamped out. Of this I am 100% certain, and if you disagree with me you are not only wrong but going to hell.
5. The single fecal dribble stain on the wall of one of the bathroom stalls at work. Apparently someone had explosive decompression, and this one dookie particle made its way to the wall, sliding down about 2 inches, leaving a mild brown track behind it. It’s been there for 3 weeks. Hey – its not my job to clean it! How does this happen?! I’m still trying to compute the impossible trajectory. Was this a one-cheek sneak that got way out of hand? Was this the magic bullet that would have made Lee Harvey Oswald green with envy? Perhaps we’ll never know.
6. People who back into parking places.

So there is my list of possible new posts. We’ll see how this all works out.